On Love

I heard it.  Your groan when you read my title.  Take heart.   It's ok to keep reading.  I don't think you'll gag. :)
Several weeks ago I began working on some things in my life.  Anger.  Pain.  Shame.  Feeling that I am completely unworthy of love.  I've been working through these things with the help of a book that was given to me this summer.  It's for kids from dysfunctional families.  This book has been one of the greatest blessings I have ever received.  It's helped me to get start working through so many things.  Yet, at the same time, it's making me raw.  It's not fun to deal with these emotions.  I've struggled through this...a lot.  But I haven't done it alone.
I'm so amazed.  During my life, I have somehow come to believe that I can never be good enough to deserve or be worthy of anyone's love.  I believe there is something inherently wrong with me.  A giant blemish the whole world sees and avoids.  I was so wrong!  During the last few weeks the father has opened my eyes.  I am very loved!  I am loved by people in the states.  By my family.  By so many people here in China.  I was blown away by just how loved I am.  It still gets me giddy every time I think about it.  Now that I had discovered I was loved by the people around me, I felt like a person who hadn't seen the sun in too long.  I looked for love at every opportunity and soaked it up. 
Then the Father did something amazing.  I had a book.  A book called The Hush (by William Flowers).  I got this book free off Amazon.  From the moment I got the book I knew I had to read it...and soon.  Only two days after I got the book, I started reading it.  It blew me away.  It's a story about the passion week.  It follows the Savior through his last week of life and makes the story found in the Book a bit more dramatic.  The author described the love that the Savior felt for every person.  He could look into their eyes, know everything they had ever done, and he still loved them.  And his loved changed the lives of those he interacted with.  Now, don't get me wrong, this is something I have known since I was a very little girl, but there is a vast difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge.  Knowing the Father loved me was all head knowledge.  I didn't let it touch my heart.  I saw the Father as the begrudging lover.  The one who loved me because he felt he had to.  Why would he want a wretched sinner like me?  When I read this book, I cried through most of it.  I finally understood that the Father CHOSE to love me.  And that love for me was so great that he CHOSE to die for me.  He didn't have to...but he LOVED me.  He loved me when it made no sense.
When my heart finally understood this, I was blown away.  I repeated it like a mantra.  "He loves me.  He really loves me.  He chose to love me with no benefit to himself.  He died for me.  I can't believe he loved me that much."  I couldn't believe it.  And as a result of understanding his love, my love for him grew exponentially.  I was and still am extremely twitterpated.  I am so desperately in love.  And for the first time, I don't care if I'm worth it or not.  I simply know that my Savior loved me more than I can understand and he gave me friends who also love me.  My heart is just so incredibly full....I think it might burst.  I guess this is what it feels like to truly be in love.

My Feelings on Being Overseas

This blog has two parts.  First, the major things that drive me crazy about living internationally and second, the things I love about living internationally.  Why am I writing this blog?  Because a little reflection is always good and because I just happened to be thinking about it.
Ok, first the things that drive me crazy.  (I always like to start with the negative in anything I do because that means I end on positive things and well, I seem to remember what I think about last more strongly then what comes first...)  There are three major things I hate about being international.

1. Lack of a common language.  I bought a tv this weekend.  I've been debating doing this for ages and after saving a while, I finally had the funds to do it.  I went to the store intent on spending no more than 2,000RMB.  That's just over $300.  It's not much, but I was hoping to get a good tv out of it.  I walked in the store and started looking around.  There wasn't much in my price range.  I was starting to get sad when a Chinese girl walked up to me.  She asked how big of a tv I wanted and I told I wanted small and cheap.  She led me over to a nice small tv that was only 2,100RMB...a little higher than I wanted, but I was willing to look.  She said this is a good tv and then kept talking.  I was lost.  I'm sure she was spouting off all the wonderful things about the tv, but I didn't understand much of what she said.  She finished and I asked in Chinese, "So this is a good tv, right?"  She said yes then kept talking...which I was lost again quickly.  1 hour, 4 Chinese people, multiple charades, some bad Chinese (on my part) ,some bad English (on their part), other entertaining issues, and only 1,700RMB later, I finally left with a TV.  I miss feeling like an intelligent person sometimes...I feel like I fumble and crash through everything that I have to do in Chinese.

2. Convenience.  America is SO convenient.  Almost everyone has a car, you can buy pre-made everything, and generally they try to make things as easy as possible.  Nothing is easy in China.  Here you have to circle the proverbial "bush" about 4 times and jump over massive hurdles to get things done.  Sometimes I just want to things to be easy, but I've really given up a lot of that desire while living here.

3. Lack of English books.  I'm sure you all know by now that I am an avid reader.  If I'm not in the middle of reading a book, I'm not happy.  I love reading almost more than anything else.  It's so hard here to walk into a bookstore here, smell those wonderful books, and see them lined up on the shelves and know that I can't read any of them...aside from maybe a handful of English classics...most of which I've already read.  Thankfully, this fairly easily combated with an awesome school library and a Kindle.  Have I ever told you guys how much I LOVE my Kindle?

Ok, so that's done with the negative.  So what things do I love about being international?

1. It's made me a better person.  Being international has taught me so many things.  It has taught me to be more sensitive to others, to be more patient, to learn new ways of doing things, and so much more.  I am a better, stronger person now for having been international.

2. It's made me appreciate America more.  America has problems.  Being international has showed me more of those problems than ever, but it has also taught me that every country has vices and virtues.  However, despite those problems, I have learned to appreciate so many things about America.  I appreciate freedom more, I appreciate convenience more, I appreciate other English speakers more, I appreciate American food more, and I appreciate my friends and family more.  I never realized how privileged I was until I left the country.  Thank you America for the amazing life I have.  And thank you to all who have ever sent me a box.  I cannot begin to describe to you the joy that comes with a box from America.  Ever pack of spices is cherished.  Every Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is savored.  Every....well, you get the point...Every little thing in that box reminds me that someone loves me and it reminds me of a place and a people that I love.

3. Walking.  Before I moved to China I was not a big fan of walking.  Now I love it.  It calms me.  It gives me time to think.  It's relaxing.  I love walking to the grocery store, buying groceries, and taking them home.  I love seeing the things and people around me rather than just focusing on street lights and the road.  I love walking along the ocean.

4. Riding the bus.  I have learned to love riding the public bus (when it isn't tourist season and I can actually still breath on the bus).  I love the slow plodding of the bus as it stops every few blocks.  I love watching the ocean fly by.  I love watching the people that get on and off.  I love wondering what each person's story is.  I love seeing friends on the bus.  I love meeting new people on the bus.

5. Fresh fruits and veggies.  I live on fresh fruits and vegetables.  The are delicious, cheap and so easy to get.  They are also seasonal which makes me appreciate them so much more.  In early spring I eat strawberries until I get sick.  In summer I eat pineapple, watermelon, and mangoes until I feel like I'll burst.  In fall, I get my fill of vitamin C eating pomelo after pomelo. I especially love the fruits that are different from or not available in America. 

6. Learning a new language.  Learning Chinese is the hardest thing I have ever done by far.  I often feel like an idiot when I study.  I often feel frustrated or sick and tired of trying.  Then something happens.  I go out into the community and start speaking Chinese and they understand me and I understand them.  It makes it all worth it.  I'm still miserable at speaking Chinese, but I won't give up because every time I feel triumphant in speaking, it gets me through a dozen more frustrations.  I can do this!

7. Interacting with the people. Chinese people are generally great people.  I love interacting with them and spending time with them.  I love how patient they are with my language mistakes and how willing they are to help.  Every one of my Chinese friends has become someone I cherish.  I'm so thankful for them.  I have also learned to respect the cultures of so many other people...even outside the Chinese.  I love that my friends are no longer just Americans.  They come from all kinds of countries, cultures, and backgrounds.

8. Missing the politics.  One of the most wonderful things about being international is that I am not involved very strongly in my country's politics.  I could be if I wanted, but I am very far removed from it and I don't constantly have to watch candidates beat and degrade each other verbally.  Huge perk.

9. I've learned life exists outside cable.  In America it is so easy to go home after a long day and get sucked into the TV.  I don't do that nearly so often here.  Cable isn't easily available and because of slow internet speed, I have to really want to watch something in order to be willing to watch it online.  I spend so much more time doing other things when there isn't a TV around.

10.  It's taught me to be more creative and think outside the box.  This especially applies to cooking.  Often recipes will call for a cream of something soup, sour cream, canned pumpkin, pre-made rolls, and many more things I can't get in China.  I have learned how to make so many things I would never have thought about making if I didn't live in China.    I've also used this skill a lot when trying to find things for my class.  I have to think creatively in order to do an activity in which I don't have access to all the materials.

So, overall, I'm going to say I appreciate what living overseas has done for me.  Thank you Father from bringing me here and please help me keep growing.