I heard it. Your groan when you read my title. Take heart. It's ok to keep reading. I don't think you'll gag. :)
Several weeks ago I began working on some things in my life. Anger. Pain. Shame. Feeling that I am completely unworthy of love. I've been working through these things with the help of a book that was given to me this summer. It's for kids from dysfunctional families. This book has been one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. It's helped me to get start working through so many things. Yet, at the same time, it's making me raw. It's not fun to deal with these emotions. I've struggled through this...a lot. But I haven't done it alone.
I'm so amazed. During my life, I have somehow come to believe that I can never be good enough to deserve or be worthy of anyone's love. I believe there is something inherently wrong with me. A giant blemish the whole world sees and avoids. I was so wrong! During the last few weeks the father has opened my eyes. I am very loved! I am loved by people in the states. By my family. By so many people here in China. I was blown away by just how loved I am. It still gets me giddy every time I think about it. Now that I had discovered I was loved by the people around me, I felt like a person who hadn't seen the sun in too long. I looked for love at every opportunity and soaked it up.
Then the Father did something amazing. I had a book. A book called The Hush (by William Flowers). I got this book free off Amazon. From the moment I got the book I knew I had to read it...and soon. Only two days after I got the book, I started reading it. It blew me away. It's a story about the passion week. It follows the Savior through his last week of life and makes the story found in the Book a bit more dramatic. The author described the love that the Savior felt for every person. He could look into their eyes, know everything they had ever done, and he still loved them. And his loved changed the lives of those he interacted with. Now, don't get me wrong, this is something I have known since I was a very little girl, but there is a vast difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Knowing the Father loved me was all head knowledge. I didn't let it touch my heart. I saw the Father as the begrudging lover. The one who loved me because he felt he had to. Why would he want a wretched sinner like me? When I read this book, I cried through most of it. I finally understood that the Father CHOSE to love me. And that love for me was so great that he CHOSE to die for me. He didn't have to...but he LOVED me. He loved me when it made no sense.
When my heart finally understood this, I was blown away. I repeated it like a mantra. "He loves me. He really loves me. He chose to love me with no benefit to himself. He died for me. I can't believe he loved me that much." I couldn't believe it. And as a result of understanding his love, my love for him grew exponentially. I was and still am extremely twitterpated. I am so desperately in love. And for the first time, I don't care if I'm worth it or not. I simply know that my Savior loved me more than I can understand and he gave me friends who also love me. My heart is just so incredibly full....I think it might burst. I guess this is what it feels like to truly be in love.
Several weeks ago I began working on some things in my life. Anger. Pain. Shame. Feeling that I am completely unworthy of love. I've been working through these things with the help of a book that was given to me this summer. It's for kids from dysfunctional families. This book has been one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. It's helped me to get start working through so many things. Yet, at the same time, it's making me raw. It's not fun to deal with these emotions. I've struggled through this...a lot. But I haven't done it alone.
I'm so amazed. During my life, I have somehow come to believe that I can never be good enough to deserve or be worthy of anyone's love. I believe there is something inherently wrong with me. A giant blemish the whole world sees and avoids. I was so wrong! During the last few weeks the father has opened my eyes. I am very loved! I am loved by people in the states. By my family. By so many people here in China. I was blown away by just how loved I am. It still gets me giddy every time I think about it. Now that I had discovered I was loved by the people around me, I felt like a person who hadn't seen the sun in too long. I looked for love at every opportunity and soaked it up.
Then the Father did something amazing. I had a book. A book called The Hush (by William Flowers). I got this book free off Amazon. From the moment I got the book I knew I had to read it...and soon. Only two days after I got the book, I started reading it. It blew me away. It's a story about the passion week. It follows the Savior through his last week of life and makes the story found in the Book a bit more dramatic. The author described the love that the Savior felt for every person. He could look into their eyes, know everything they had ever done, and he still loved them. And his loved changed the lives of those he interacted with. Now, don't get me wrong, this is something I have known since I was a very little girl, but there is a vast difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Knowing the Father loved me was all head knowledge. I didn't let it touch my heart. I saw the Father as the begrudging lover. The one who loved me because he felt he had to. Why would he want a wretched sinner like me? When I read this book, I cried through most of it. I finally understood that the Father CHOSE to love me. And that love for me was so great that he CHOSE to die for me. He didn't have to...but he LOVED me. He loved me when it made no sense.
When my heart finally understood this, I was blown away. I repeated it like a mantra. "He loves me. He really loves me. He chose to love me with no benefit to himself. He died for me. I can't believe he loved me that much." I couldn't believe it. And as a result of understanding his love, my love for him grew exponentially. I was and still am extremely twitterpated. I am so desperately in love. And for the first time, I don't care if I'm worth it or not. I simply know that my Savior loved me more than I can understand and he gave me friends who also love me. My heart is just so incredibly full....I think it might burst. I guess this is what it feels like to truly be in love.
Beautiful! Love this so much! <3
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