The last several weeks since I became a third grade teacher have been hard. The first week was the hardest. I really hate change. I find that truth super entertaining with the life I have chosen to lead. Really, what kind of sadistic idiot am I? "Hmmm...I really hate change. Let's move to a foreign country and work in an international school where I'm not sure life will stay the safe from one day to the next!" See, it just sounds stupid. However, despite my hatred of change, God is good and my life here is AMAZING! Really, it is. I love my life. But back to the topic I started with.
My first week in 3rd grade saw me constantly trying to pull myself out of a downhill spiral into depression. Yep, it was that hard. I felt unsupported and lost in the bigger change of friends suddenly returning to America.
There was one day when we had just finished a meeting and I literally could not pull myself off the floor. I was too depressed to move. My heart started crying to God. "God, I just need one person. I need one person to see me and ask if I'm ok. Then I know I can get off this floor. Please God!" No sooner had the prayer been uttered than one of my closest friends turned around and said, "Hey, Keller, you ok?" It worked. With those few words he stopped my spiral into depression and I was able to get off the floor. I thanked God over and over....I should probably also thank my friend, though I know he doesn't remember doing it.
A few days later things were getting better when my elementary principal called to see how I was doing. During the course of the conversation it came out that he planned on me doing 2nd and 3rd grade parent-teacher conferences. Now, I hate nothing about teaching more than parent-teacher conferences. After I hung up with my principal, the depression was back. How as I going to do this?!
A few days later, I learned that my principal hung up the phone after our conversation and turned to his wife and said, "I just pushed Amy Keller off the edge." His wife if one of my best friends and she knows how I feel about conferences so she quickly jumped to my aid. My principal then did everything he could to make my conference days as light as possible. I ended up with only 5 conferences and I was able to get a much better handle on 3rd grade during those two days with the extra time I had.
The last few weeks have made things easier and easier (though it's still a hard). Last week we had two counselors come visit our school and it was wonderful to get to talk to them. I was able to do a lot of verbal processing during my time with them. And a lot of that processing was that even though the last few weeks have been hard, it's been worth it. In these last few weeks Christ has reminded me of my need to rely on him and of the love he has for me. He has done this through the love and support of others.
Now, why am I writing this post? To complain? No. I'm writing it to rejoice. Keep reading.
There is something beautiful and amazing the last several weeks (and well, the past 5 years) have taught me. Here are my jumbled and beautiful thoughts.
1) The Christian life is not about rules. It is not about avoiding sin. In fact, it had nothing to do with me. The Christian life is about love. Christ's love for us. This extreme outpouring of love that we cannot explain, fathom or understand. And if we accept that love, it will flow through us. Suddenly the differences and issues that we have within ourselves and with each other will not seem quite so important in the light of that love. We won't be ruled by a fear of sinning. We'll want to avoid that sin because out focus will be on the love. The beautiful chaos of God's love. It's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. And the sad truth is we so often choose not to live in that love. We keep trying to do things on our own outside of his grace and love. We are back to sinning and that is the root of all our problems.
2) On a somewhat different strain of thought, I've also been mulling over that thought that the church is not a building. The church is a group of imperfect people who have accepted Christ's love. Our job in this world is to love each other and show Christ's love to those who haven't accepted it yet. Yes, we will disagree and we will disagree all the time. We will fight and we will sin. We are not perfect. But the church belongs to Christ. Not to us. It is not our job to figure it out, but to live in the love of the Savior and share that love with others.
Yesterday, I spent time with the church. We gathered and worshiped together. There is something about this time of year. We are all gearing up for pain. Summer here means pain. It means that time of year when our friends leave and return to their home countries has once again come. Our hearts have already started breaking in anticipation. There were very few dry eyes in church yesterday as we faced this reality.
This is also a beautiful time of year though. This is the time of year when our hearts are broken so we realize we can't stand in our own strength. So often, I try to take on the world all on my own. I tell myself that I can get through this on my own. It's not true. All good things come through Christ and I so often forget that. Yesterday, I knew that I needed to rely on Christ. My life is a mess of transition and pain right now and in that pain, I found beautiful worship. Yesterday the Spirit moved in our fellowship. I could feel the love, devotion, abandon, and surrender within myself and in others. We sang together, we cried together, we laughed together, and we loved together. This is what the church is about. People who love Christ because he loved us first and died for us and who live that out in their lives. The church is not a building, programs, or having the right answers. Church is a huge group of loved sinners. Church is the most beautiful thing in the world!
3) No to the really hard part....I have NO RIGHT to decide who is worthy of God's love. I have found myself several times over the past few years viewing American politics from the outside. I have seen a lot of news lately about/from Christians who are anti-gay marriage and who are bashing and boycotting companies that are.
People, we are missing the point! Once again we are focusing on the sin and not the people in need of the Savior. These are people who are trying to make their way in the world just like the rest of us. They are lost. They are hurting. They are broken. Some of them may even have been beaten, bruised, and crushed by the church. That beautiful body of believers that should be pouring out Christ's love on a broken world is in fact doing everything it can to turn away those we find "unworthy." We are doing this so wrong, friends. Christ came to save all. The murders, the idolators, the rapists, the homosexuals, the drunks, the abusers, the hypocrites, and everyone in between. None of us deserve his love and forgiveness, but it has been offered freely to all. I am no better than any other person. And if Christ can love me, why wouldn't he be able to love them. I'm going to let that thought rule my life and I'm going to do everything I can in my own broken sinfulness to reach out to everyone with Christ's love. Then once they have known His love and grace, I'll leave it up to Him to convict and change them. Picketing and boycotting isn't going to show Christ's love...just my own self-righteousness which is honestly is dirty stinking rags to Christ and to the world.
And before I end, please know that I'm definitely not trying to say I'm doing better at this than you are. I'm writing this post as much to myself as to anyone. I often need help remembering these truths.
My first week in 3rd grade saw me constantly trying to pull myself out of a downhill spiral into depression. Yep, it was that hard. I felt unsupported and lost in the bigger change of friends suddenly returning to America.
There was one day when we had just finished a meeting and I literally could not pull myself off the floor. I was too depressed to move. My heart started crying to God. "God, I just need one person. I need one person to see me and ask if I'm ok. Then I know I can get off this floor. Please God!" No sooner had the prayer been uttered than one of my closest friends turned around and said, "Hey, Keller, you ok?" It worked. With those few words he stopped my spiral into depression and I was able to get off the floor. I thanked God over and over....I should probably also thank my friend, though I know he doesn't remember doing it.
A few days later things were getting better when my elementary principal called to see how I was doing. During the course of the conversation it came out that he planned on me doing 2nd and 3rd grade parent-teacher conferences. Now, I hate nothing about teaching more than parent-teacher conferences. After I hung up with my principal, the depression was back. How as I going to do this?!
A few days later, I learned that my principal hung up the phone after our conversation and turned to his wife and said, "I just pushed Amy Keller off the edge." His wife if one of my best friends and she knows how I feel about conferences so she quickly jumped to my aid. My principal then did everything he could to make my conference days as light as possible. I ended up with only 5 conferences and I was able to get a much better handle on 3rd grade during those two days with the extra time I had.
The last few weeks have made things easier and easier (though it's still a hard). Last week we had two counselors come visit our school and it was wonderful to get to talk to them. I was able to do a lot of verbal processing during my time with them. And a lot of that processing was that even though the last few weeks have been hard, it's been worth it. In these last few weeks Christ has reminded me of my need to rely on him and of the love he has for me. He has done this through the love and support of others.
Now, why am I writing this post? To complain? No. I'm writing it to rejoice. Keep reading.
There is something beautiful and amazing the last several weeks (and well, the past 5 years) have taught me. Here are my jumbled and beautiful thoughts.
1) The Christian life is not about rules. It is not about avoiding sin. In fact, it had nothing to do with me. The Christian life is about love. Christ's love for us. This extreme outpouring of love that we cannot explain, fathom or understand. And if we accept that love, it will flow through us. Suddenly the differences and issues that we have within ourselves and with each other will not seem quite so important in the light of that love. We won't be ruled by a fear of sinning. We'll want to avoid that sin because out focus will be on the love. The beautiful chaos of God's love. It's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. And the sad truth is we so often choose not to live in that love. We keep trying to do things on our own outside of his grace and love. We are back to sinning and that is the root of all our problems.
2) On a somewhat different strain of thought, I've also been mulling over that thought that the church is not a building. The church is a group of imperfect people who have accepted Christ's love. Our job in this world is to love each other and show Christ's love to those who haven't accepted it yet. Yes, we will disagree and we will disagree all the time. We will fight and we will sin. We are not perfect. But the church belongs to Christ. Not to us. It is not our job to figure it out, but to live in the love of the Savior and share that love with others.
Yesterday, I spent time with the church. We gathered and worshiped together. There is something about this time of year. We are all gearing up for pain. Summer here means pain. It means that time of year when our friends leave and return to their home countries has once again come. Our hearts have already started breaking in anticipation. There were very few dry eyes in church yesterday as we faced this reality.
This is also a beautiful time of year though. This is the time of year when our hearts are broken so we realize we can't stand in our own strength. So often, I try to take on the world all on my own. I tell myself that I can get through this on my own. It's not true. All good things come through Christ and I so often forget that. Yesterday, I knew that I needed to rely on Christ. My life is a mess of transition and pain right now and in that pain, I found beautiful worship. Yesterday the Spirit moved in our fellowship. I could feel the love, devotion, abandon, and surrender within myself and in others. We sang together, we cried together, we laughed together, and we loved together. This is what the church is about. People who love Christ because he loved us first and died for us and who live that out in their lives. The church is not a building, programs, or having the right answers. Church is a huge group of loved sinners. Church is the most beautiful thing in the world!
3) No to the really hard part....I have NO RIGHT to decide who is worthy of God's love. I have found myself several times over the past few years viewing American politics from the outside. I have seen a lot of news lately about/from Christians who are anti-gay marriage and who are bashing and boycotting companies that are.
People, we are missing the point! Once again we are focusing on the sin and not the people in need of the Savior. These are people who are trying to make their way in the world just like the rest of us. They are lost. They are hurting. They are broken. Some of them may even have been beaten, bruised, and crushed by the church. That beautiful body of believers that should be pouring out Christ's love on a broken world is in fact doing everything it can to turn away those we find "unworthy." We are doing this so wrong, friends. Christ came to save all. The murders, the idolators, the rapists, the homosexuals, the drunks, the abusers, the hypocrites, and everyone in between. None of us deserve his love and forgiveness, but it has been offered freely to all. I am no better than any other person. And if Christ can love me, why wouldn't he be able to love them. I'm going to let that thought rule my life and I'm going to do everything I can in my own broken sinfulness to reach out to everyone with Christ's love. Then once they have known His love and grace, I'll leave it up to Him to convict and change them. Picketing and boycotting isn't going to show Christ's love...just my own self-righteousness which is honestly is dirty stinking rags to Christ and to the world.
And before I end, please know that I'm definitely not trying to say I'm doing better at this than you are. I'm writing this post as much to myself as to anyone. I often need help remembering these truths.
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