I am an Introvert

I'm a total introvert.  Honestly, about 350 days a year I LOVE being an introvert.  I love the fact that I am comfortable with my own company, that I can find peace in the silence, and that I don't need to have another person around to feel complete.  I love the days I spend alone and pretend the world outside doesn't exist.  My favorite days are the ones where I don't say an entire word the whole day.   I also love that I've learned (for the most part) how to balance life as an introvert while interacting with/being friend extroverts on a regular basis.  
(Bunny trail: Did you know that I almost never said anything before I went to college?  The end of my first year of college, I made friends with an extrovert who changed my life.  I learned how to be friends with extroverts that year.  During the last seven-ish years I've been working to learn how to be an introvert who likes being friends with both introverts and extroverts.  It's not always easy, but it is worth it to me.)
There are some days when my need to be exclusively introverted kicks in.  Most of the time I plan time to be introverted.  I usually spend one day each week completely alone.  Usually one day is enough, but sometimes I need more.  And then there are days when my introverted-ness kicks in unexpectedly.  Those are the days when I want to fight it, but then I find more peace when I just let myself be who I am.
This weekend my introverted-ness caught me unawares.  I had a rough week at school with a few students and I could feel myself pulling into my shell.  I made it through the rest of the school week with some support from some awesome friends, but Saturday arrived and I knew I needed to cancel my plans for the day and just stay home.  I fought against it because I wanted to be with friends, but when I gave in...I found peace and rest.  Sunday needed to be a turtle day too, but I needed groceries so I also decided to go to fellowship (...where the Father filled me with His peace. I'm glad I went.) After fellowship, I planned to run home right after grabbing some groceries, but a friend somehow talked me into lunch first.  I ended up going to lunch with three introverts.  It was so peaceful.  We had a good conversation, but there was no pressure to make conversation.  I wasn't judged in my desire not to speak; I was supported....silently. :)  It was just what I needed today.  It made me love being an introvert.  I felt at peace. 
Now I'm on my couch alone in my house.  I won't say another word the rest of the day.  I can't tell you how unbelievably excited that makes me.  I'm not sure how many more days I'll need to be in my turtle shell this week, but I think it may be the whole week.  And to my wonderful extroverted friends, please know that I am not hiding.  I am resting.  It's been too long since I've allowed myself to rest.  I'll come back to the extroverted world soon.  But this week, I'm not going to try to be anyone but me.
Just be glad I'm not taking a vow of silence.  :) ...Though honestly, the idea really does appeal to me.  There is so much to be learned from silence.

Pouring Out His Love

The Father has been so gracious to me the last several weeks.  He has been showering me with love.  I'm sure he was doing it before, but since I've started looking for it, I see it everywhere.  It's communicated in a song, a word of encouragement, a hug, a verse, singing, and on it goes.  The place I have seen this love the greatest has been through friends.  Friends who seek my company, ask me how I'm doing, pray for me, and let me know that I am loved.  It's such a foreign concept to feel so loved and sometimes I have a hard time letting myself be loved. 
I have one fabulous friend who calls me out on this all the time.  I love spending time with him because he reminds me that I'm special.  I have another fabulous friend who stops by often during her day just to ask me how I'm doing.  I have another friend who tells me often how much she likes being my friend.  Every one of these people (and even more) make me feel so special because they take the time to care about me...and this in turn reminds me of the love of my Saviour.  My friends' love for me is a strong force in my life and the Father's love is one million times stronger.  How can I even comprehend that love?  The love I offer him in return is a wisp of smoke, yet he desires it.  He desires my love.  What an amazing and overwhelming thought. 

Mistakes in Writing

I have discovered in my years in China that almost every Chinese person can recognize and write  the Western alphabet.  However, since they rarely write the alphabet, their writing is very standardized.  In America I can tell the difference between people's handwriting easily, but here it is much harder.  It all looks much the same.  The more we write the letters of the alphabet, the more we leave our own fingerprint all over them.  In a way they become our own.
The reverse thing happens when it comes to Chinese characters.  I write my characters very standard and the Chinese people write them with a more individualized style.
Needless to say this presents a challenge when reading.  The Chinese people struggle to read my letters and I struggle to read their characters.  This has provided for many entertaining mistakes in writing.  When I try to read characters, I almost give up before I start.  Out of the thousands of Chinese characters I can read and recognize about 150 and I struggle to keep straight.  For me it isn't so much a problem of recognizing the stylistic characters but rather knowing what they are in the first place. 
The Chinese people don't have to make this excuse when writing the alphabet though.  There are only 26 letters to learn and many of them learned them in grade school.  They may not be able to read the words, but they can surely write them down.  However, we reach a problem when they see that a foreigners letters aren't very standardized.  To a Chinese eye, they never know what my "6" is.  It doesn't look right.  Every single person asks what it is.  My "K" looks like an "R" to them.  And on it goes. 
There is hope though.  I don't usually write things down for the Chinese people...we usually just talk...something I am thankfully getting a little better at each week.  However, sometimes they ask me to write my name down and then we have problems.
The first year I was in China, I got a tax receipt with the name Amy Reller on it.  When I told someone, they said it didn't matter.   That same year, I applied for a card to Metro (similar to the American Sam's Club or Costco).  My card again said Amy Reller.  I started trying to form better K's after that.  But today....today I got the best name mistake ever. 
This morning I rode with my poor cat into town to get him a rabies shot (my cat is officially legally vaccinated).  After some miming and a call to my fabulous Chinese teacher for translation help, they started filling out a vaccination record.  I already had a record for another shot he had been given the week before so they just copied the information I had written then.  The cat was given his shot and we went on our merry way.  On the way home while riding in a taxi, I pulled out the record to look at it.  Within 3 seconds I was laughing out loud.  My name was spelled wrong, but this time I wasn't Amy Reller.  This time I was Amy Killer.  I'm still laughing.  I love living in China and I'm so glad it's not always me making the ridiculous mistakes.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days.  You know the ones.  No, not the bad one...It was one of those days that you wouldn't trade for the world, yet you definitely wouldn't want to relive it either.  Today was just so emotionally draining.
I work for an amazing school that is concerned for not only our professional development, but also our social, emotional, and spiritual development.  Every year they have a great couple come to our school and offer their counseling services.  Today I decided to go.  I didn't know what to expect because I had never formally talked to a counselor.  I'm so glad I went.  I was so blessed by our discussion.
We discussed many things, but I want to share one thing that really stuck out to me.  They said, "God created us not as humans doing, but as human beings.  Their point was that we do not find our value in the Father by what we do in His name.  Our value comes from being in the Father.  Curling up in his arms and letting him hold us.  Allowing ourselves to be secure in him as he uses us.
For so long I have been trying to heal myself.  I have been taking steps toward forgiveness and healing.  But that isn't really my job.  It is my job to trust God to bring situations into my life that will heal me and to let him do his work in me.  I don't need to leave the safety of his arms to find healing.  His arms are where the healing is.  It made me feel so much better to be reminded that this healing is something he is doing in me....not something that I have to accomplish on my own.  I am not enough on my own.  So much peace comes with that realization.