Growing into Love

I've heard couples say it over and over.  "I didn't like my husband/wife when I first met them."  I have heard this for ages and I've finally realized that this doesn't just happen between spouses.  It happens with many things. 
Each year as a new class walks through my door all I can think is "I miss last year's class."  Granted I didn't like last year's class when they came in the first day, but eventually I grew to love them.  Every year I am sad to see that year's class go.
My very best friends in my life, I didn't like most of them the first time we met.  It took spending some time together and getting to know each other before I grew to love them as a person.
Two months ago I got a kitten.  Life with him around hasn't always been easy and there were days I have wanted to strangle him or give him away.  I miss getting a full nights sleep.  I miss coming home and not finding the contents of my trash strewn across my apartment.  I miss not having broken plants.  I miss not constantly being covered in scratches.  But I  realized something amazing tonight. 
Tonight I was sitting on my couch enjoying my very last of Thanksgiving pecan pie.  Nacho Libre was trying to help me eat my pie.  He also had tried to help my eat leftover turkey not long before.  I kept trying to move the pie out of his reach and tell him no.  Not long after our little game began he managed to just barely stick his paw in the pie before I pulled it back.  Like a sneaky child he slowly put his paw in his mouth.  I could almost see the "I won" smile on his face. 
It was in that crazy moment that I realized that I love my cat.  Despite all the terror, frustration, and sleepless hours he has introduced into my life, I wouldn't trade him for anything.  I feel that way at some point every year about my class.  Sometimes loves grabs hold of you immediately and never lets you go.  And sometimes love sneaks up behind you and catches you by surprise.  Sometimes love irritates you endlessly before you realize you wouldn't want to live without it.  And honestly, I have to say that I really do like being surprised in this way.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yesterday I hosted my very first Thanksgiving meal.  There were ten people in my house (myself included) for the whole day and it was the most amazing Thanksgiving I've ever had.  And honestly, I think it was fun that only five of those ten people were Americans.  I got to introduce two friends from the UK and one from Finland to Thanksgiving this year.  Last year, I introduced my other two friends from the UK to Thanksgiving. :)
As many of you know, I'm obsessed with cooking so I took Friday off school and started cooking.  I cooked several things during the day, cleaned my house, and got totally excited about partying the next day.
My fabulous friends starting arriving around 10:30 and we chowed down on cinnamon rolls (apparently not something they eat in the UK or Finland, but still very much enjoyed) and the fun began.  During the day we talked, laughed, played games, cooked, ate, watched football games, ate, played x-box, ate, and played some more games.  My little apartment was bursting at the seams, but I felt like I was with family.  The day was simply wonderful.  I wouldn't have traded it for anything else.
Plus now I have tackled a lot of firsts on the Thanksgiving menu.  My first turkey, my first sweet potato casserole, my first pecan pie, and my first stuffing.  They all tasted great if I do say so myself.  So great that half of the people there lost belts and unbuttoned to make room. Haha.  Truly the best day ever.

Now I'm going to add a thankful list here at the end of my post. 
- I am thankful for my relationship with a Father that saved me from myself.
- I'm thankful for 5 years in China...5 wonderful years.
- I'm thankful for a supportive and loving family.
- I'm thankful for every single one of the friends I have.
- I'm thankful for an intense love of cooking.
- I'm thankful for mystery and adventure (how fun would my life be if I know what was going to happen all the time?)
- I'm thankful for living in an international community.  I've learned so much about so many cultures in the last 5 years.
- I'm thankful for an absolutely amazing job that I LOVE.
- I'm thankful for my psychotic cat.
- I'm thankful for having my basic provisions taken care of (home, food, heat, water, clothing, etc.)
- I'm thankful for life's blessing and trials for they are making me into the person the Father wants me to be.
- I'm thankful for laughter, smiles, music, entertainment, love, happiness, and too many other things to list.
- I'm thankful for having a life that I love.
- I'm thankful for Thanksgiving which reminds me to take a day each year to remember what I'm thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I am an Introvert

I'm a total introvert.  Honestly, about 350 days a year I LOVE being an introvert.  I love the fact that I am comfortable with my own company, that I can find peace in the silence, and that I don't need to have another person around to feel complete.  I love the days I spend alone and pretend the world outside doesn't exist.  My favorite days are the ones where I don't say an entire word the whole day.   I also love that I've learned (for the most part) how to balance life as an introvert while interacting with/being friend extroverts on a regular basis.  
(Bunny trail: Did you know that I almost never said anything before I went to college?  The end of my first year of college, I made friends with an extrovert who changed my life.  I learned how to be friends with extroverts that year.  During the last seven-ish years I've been working to learn how to be an introvert who likes being friends with both introverts and extroverts.  It's not always easy, but it is worth it to me.)
There are some days when my need to be exclusively introverted kicks in.  Most of the time I plan time to be introverted.  I usually spend one day each week completely alone.  Usually one day is enough, but sometimes I need more.  And then there are days when my introverted-ness kicks in unexpectedly.  Those are the days when I want to fight it, but then I find more peace when I just let myself be who I am.
This weekend my introverted-ness caught me unawares.  I had a rough week at school with a few students and I could feel myself pulling into my shell.  I made it through the rest of the school week with some support from some awesome friends, but Saturday arrived and I knew I needed to cancel my plans for the day and just stay home.  I fought against it because I wanted to be with friends, but when I gave in...I found peace and rest.  Sunday needed to be a turtle day too, but I needed groceries so I also decided to go to fellowship (...where the Father filled me with His peace. I'm glad I went.) After fellowship, I planned to run home right after grabbing some groceries, but a friend somehow talked me into lunch first.  I ended up going to lunch with three introverts.  It was so peaceful.  We had a good conversation, but there was no pressure to make conversation.  I wasn't judged in my desire not to speak; I was supported....silently. :)  It was just what I needed today.  It made me love being an introvert.  I felt at peace. 
Now I'm on my couch alone in my house.  I won't say another word the rest of the day.  I can't tell you how unbelievably excited that makes me.  I'm not sure how many more days I'll need to be in my turtle shell this week, but I think it may be the whole week.  And to my wonderful extroverted friends, please know that I am not hiding.  I am resting.  It's been too long since I've allowed myself to rest.  I'll come back to the extroverted world soon.  But this week, I'm not going to try to be anyone but me.
Just be glad I'm not taking a vow of silence.  :) ...Though honestly, the idea really does appeal to me.  There is so much to be learned from silence.

Pouring Out His Love

The Father has been so gracious to me the last several weeks.  He has been showering me with love.  I'm sure he was doing it before, but since I've started looking for it, I see it everywhere.  It's communicated in a song, a word of encouragement, a hug, a verse, singing, and on it goes.  The place I have seen this love the greatest has been through friends.  Friends who seek my company, ask me how I'm doing, pray for me, and let me know that I am loved.  It's such a foreign concept to feel so loved and sometimes I have a hard time letting myself be loved. 
I have one fabulous friend who calls me out on this all the time.  I love spending time with him because he reminds me that I'm special.  I have another fabulous friend who stops by often during her day just to ask me how I'm doing.  I have another friend who tells me often how much she likes being my friend.  Every one of these people (and even more) make me feel so special because they take the time to care about me...and this in turn reminds me of the love of my Saviour.  My friends' love for me is a strong force in my life and the Father's love is one million times stronger.  How can I even comprehend that love?  The love I offer him in return is a wisp of smoke, yet he desires it.  He desires my love.  What an amazing and overwhelming thought. 

Mistakes in Writing

I have discovered in my years in China that almost every Chinese person can recognize and write  the Western alphabet.  However, since they rarely write the alphabet, their writing is very standardized.  In America I can tell the difference between people's handwriting easily, but here it is much harder.  It all looks much the same.  The more we write the letters of the alphabet, the more we leave our own fingerprint all over them.  In a way they become our own.
The reverse thing happens when it comes to Chinese characters.  I write my characters very standard and the Chinese people write them with a more individualized style.
Needless to say this presents a challenge when reading.  The Chinese people struggle to read my letters and I struggle to read their characters.  This has provided for many entertaining mistakes in writing.  When I try to read characters, I almost give up before I start.  Out of the thousands of Chinese characters I can read and recognize about 150 and I struggle to keep straight.  For me it isn't so much a problem of recognizing the stylistic characters but rather knowing what they are in the first place. 
The Chinese people don't have to make this excuse when writing the alphabet though.  There are only 26 letters to learn and many of them learned them in grade school.  They may not be able to read the words, but they can surely write them down.  However, we reach a problem when they see that a foreigners letters aren't very standardized.  To a Chinese eye, they never know what my "6" is.  It doesn't look right.  Every single person asks what it is.  My "K" looks like an "R" to them.  And on it goes. 
There is hope though.  I don't usually write things down for the Chinese people...we usually just talk...something I am thankfully getting a little better at each week.  However, sometimes they ask me to write my name down and then we have problems.
The first year I was in China, I got a tax receipt with the name Amy Reller on it.  When I told someone, they said it didn't matter.   That same year, I applied for a card to Metro (similar to the American Sam's Club or Costco).  My card again said Amy Reller.  I started trying to form better K's after that.  But today....today I got the best name mistake ever. 
This morning I rode with my poor cat into town to get him a rabies shot (my cat is officially legally vaccinated).  After some miming and a call to my fabulous Chinese teacher for translation help, they started filling out a vaccination record.  I already had a record for another shot he had been given the week before so they just copied the information I had written then.  The cat was given his shot and we went on our merry way.  On the way home while riding in a taxi, I pulled out the record to look at it.  Within 3 seconds I was laughing out loud.  My name was spelled wrong, but this time I wasn't Amy Reller.  This time I was Amy Killer.  I'm still laughing.  I love living in China and I'm so glad it's not always me making the ridiculous mistakes.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days.  You know the ones.  No, not the bad one...It was one of those days that you wouldn't trade for the world, yet you definitely wouldn't want to relive it either.  Today was just so emotionally draining.
I work for an amazing school that is concerned for not only our professional development, but also our social, emotional, and spiritual development.  Every year they have a great couple come to our school and offer their counseling services.  Today I decided to go.  I didn't know what to expect because I had never formally talked to a counselor.  I'm so glad I went.  I was so blessed by our discussion.
We discussed many things, but I want to share one thing that really stuck out to me.  They said, "God created us not as humans doing, but as human beings.  Their point was that we do not find our value in the Father by what we do in His name.  Our value comes from being in the Father.  Curling up in his arms and letting him hold us.  Allowing ourselves to be secure in him as he uses us.
For so long I have been trying to heal myself.  I have been taking steps toward forgiveness and healing.  But that isn't really my job.  It is my job to trust God to bring situations into my life that will heal me and to let him do his work in me.  I don't need to leave the safety of his arms to find healing.  His arms are where the healing is.  It made me feel so much better to be reminded that this healing is something he is doing in me....not something that I have to accomplish on my own.  I am not enough on my own.  So much peace comes with that realization.

On Love

I heard it.  Your groan when you read my title.  Take heart.   It's ok to keep reading.  I don't think you'll gag. :)
Several weeks ago I began working on some things in my life.  Anger.  Pain.  Shame.  Feeling that I am completely unworthy of love.  I've been working through these things with the help of a book that was given to me this summer.  It's for kids from dysfunctional families.  This book has been one of the greatest blessings I have ever received.  It's helped me to get start working through so many things.  Yet, at the same time, it's making me raw.  It's not fun to deal with these emotions.  I've struggled through this...a lot.  But I haven't done it alone.
I'm so amazed.  During my life, I have somehow come to believe that I can never be good enough to deserve or be worthy of anyone's love.  I believe there is something inherently wrong with me.  A giant blemish the whole world sees and avoids.  I was so wrong!  During the last few weeks the father has opened my eyes.  I am very loved!  I am loved by people in the states.  By my family.  By so many people here in China.  I was blown away by just how loved I am.  It still gets me giddy every time I think about it.  Now that I had discovered I was loved by the people around me, I felt like a person who hadn't seen the sun in too long.  I looked for love at every opportunity and soaked it up. 
Then the Father did something amazing.  I had a book.  A book called The Hush (by William Flowers).  I got this book free off Amazon.  From the moment I got the book I knew I had to read it...and soon.  Only two days after I got the book, I started reading it.  It blew me away.  It's a story about the passion week.  It follows the Savior through his last week of life and makes the story found in the Book a bit more dramatic.  The author described the love that the Savior felt for every person.  He could look into their eyes, know everything they had ever done, and he still loved them.  And his loved changed the lives of those he interacted with.  Now, don't get me wrong, this is something I have known since I was a very little girl, but there is a vast difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge.  Knowing the Father loved me was all head knowledge.  I didn't let it touch my heart.  I saw the Father as the begrudging lover.  The one who loved me because he felt he had to.  Why would he want a wretched sinner like me?  When I read this book, I cried through most of it.  I finally understood that the Father CHOSE to love me.  And that love for me was so great that he CHOSE to die for me.  He didn't have to...but he LOVED me.  He loved me when it made no sense.
When my heart finally understood this, I was blown away.  I repeated it like a mantra.  "He loves me.  He really loves me.  He chose to love me with no benefit to himself.  He died for me.  I can't believe he loved me that much."  I couldn't believe it.  And as a result of understanding his love, my love for him grew exponentially.  I was and still am extremely twitterpated.  I am so desperately in love.  And for the first time, I don't care if I'm worth it or not.  I simply know that my Savior loved me more than I can understand and he gave me friends who also love me.  My heart is just so incredibly full....I think it might burst.  I guess this is what it feels like to truly be in love.

My Feelings on Being Overseas

This blog has two parts.  First, the major things that drive me crazy about living internationally and second, the things I love about living internationally.  Why am I writing this blog?  Because a little reflection is always good and because I just happened to be thinking about it.
Ok, first the things that drive me crazy.  (I always like to start with the negative in anything I do because that means I end on positive things and well, I seem to remember what I think about last more strongly then what comes first...)  There are three major things I hate about being international.

1. Lack of a common language.  I bought a tv this weekend.  I've been debating doing this for ages and after saving a while, I finally had the funds to do it.  I went to the store intent on spending no more than 2,000RMB.  That's just over $300.  It's not much, but I was hoping to get a good tv out of it.  I walked in the store and started looking around.  There wasn't much in my price range.  I was starting to get sad when a Chinese girl walked up to me.  She asked how big of a tv I wanted and I told I wanted small and cheap.  She led me over to a nice small tv that was only 2,100RMB...a little higher than I wanted, but I was willing to look.  She said this is a good tv and then kept talking.  I was lost.  I'm sure she was spouting off all the wonderful things about the tv, but I didn't understand much of what she said.  She finished and I asked in Chinese, "So this is a good tv, right?"  She said yes then kept talking...which I was lost again quickly.  1 hour, 4 Chinese people, multiple charades, some bad Chinese (on my part) ,some bad English (on their part), other entertaining issues, and only 1,700RMB later, I finally left with a TV.  I miss feeling like an intelligent person sometimes...I feel like I fumble and crash through everything that I have to do in Chinese.

2. Convenience.  America is SO convenient.  Almost everyone has a car, you can buy pre-made everything, and generally they try to make things as easy as possible.  Nothing is easy in China.  Here you have to circle the proverbial "bush" about 4 times and jump over massive hurdles to get things done.  Sometimes I just want to things to be easy, but I've really given up a lot of that desire while living here.

3. Lack of English books.  I'm sure you all know by now that I am an avid reader.  If I'm not in the middle of reading a book, I'm not happy.  I love reading almost more than anything else.  It's so hard here to walk into a bookstore here, smell those wonderful books, and see them lined up on the shelves and know that I can't read any of them...aside from maybe a handful of English classics...most of which I've already read.  Thankfully, this fairly easily combated with an awesome school library and a Kindle.  Have I ever told you guys how much I LOVE my Kindle?

Ok, so that's done with the negative.  So what things do I love about being international?

1. It's made me a better person.  Being international has taught me so many things.  It has taught me to be more sensitive to others, to be more patient, to learn new ways of doing things, and so much more.  I am a better, stronger person now for having been international.

2. It's made me appreciate America more.  America has problems.  Being international has showed me more of those problems than ever, but it has also taught me that every country has vices and virtues.  However, despite those problems, I have learned to appreciate so many things about America.  I appreciate freedom more, I appreciate convenience more, I appreciate other English speakers more, I appreciate American food more, and I appreciate my friends and family more.  I never realized how privileged I was until I left the country.  Thank you America for the amazing life I have.  And thank you to all who have ever sent me a box.  I cannot begin to describe to you the joy that comes with a box from America.  Ever pack of spices is cherished.  Every Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is savored.  Every....well, you get the point...Every little thing in that box reminds me that someone loves me and it reminds me of a place and a people that I love.

3. Walking.  Before I moved to China I was not a big fan of walking.  Now I love it.  It calms me.  It gives me time to think.  It's relaxing.  I love walking to the grocery store, buying groceries, and taking them home.  I love seeing the things and people around me rather than just focusing on street lights and the road.  I love walking along the ocean.

4. Riding the bus.  I have learned to love riding the public bus (when it isn't tourist season and I can actually still breath on the bus).  I love the slow plodding of the bus as it stops every few blocks.  I love watching the ocean fly by.  I love watching the people that get on and off.  I love wondering what each person's story is.  I love seeing friends on the bus.  I love meeting new people on the bus.

5. Fresh fruits and veggies.  I live on fresh fruits and vegetables.  The are delicious, cheap and so easy to get.  They are also seasonal which makes me appreciate them so much more.  In early spring I eat strawberries until I get sick.  In summer I eat pineapple, watermelon, and mangoes until I feel like I'll burst.  In fall, I get my fill of vitamin C eating pomelo after pomelo. I especially love the fruits that are different from or not available in America. 

6. Learning a new language.  Learning Chinese is the hardest thing I have ever done by far.  I often feel like an idiot when I study.  I often feel frustrated or sick and tired of trying.  Then something happens.  I go out into the community and start speaking Chinese and they understand me and I understand them.  It makes it all worth it.  I'm still miserable at speaking Chinese, but I won't give up because every time I feel triumphant in speaking, it gets me through a dozen more frustrations.  I can do this!

7. Interacting with the people. Chinese people are generally great people.  I love interacting with them and spending time with them.  I love how patient they are with my language mistakes and how willing they are to help.  Every one of my Chinese friends has become someone I cherish.  I'm so thankful for them.  I have also learned to respect the cultures of so many other people...even outside the Chinese.  I love that my friends are no longer just Americans.  They come from all kinds of countries, cultures, and backgrounds.

8. Missing the politics.  One of the most wonderful things about being international is that I am not involved very strongly in my country's politics.  I could be if I wanted, but I am very far removed from it and I don't constantly have to watch candidates beat and degrade each other verbally.  Huge perk.

9. I've learned life exists outside cable.  In America it is so easy to go home after a long day and get sucked into the TV.  I don't do that nearly so often here.  Cable isn't easily available and because of slow internet speed, I have to really want to watch something in order to be willing to watch it online.  I spend so much more time doing other things when there isn't a TV around.

10.  It's taught me to be more creative and think outside the box.  This especially applies to cooking.  Often recipes will call for a cream of something soup, sour cream, canned pumpkin, pre-made rolls, and many more things I can't get in China.  I have learned how to make so many things I would never have thought about making if I didn't live in China.    I've also used this skill a lot when trying to find things for my class.  I have to think creatively in order to do an activity in which I don't have access to all the materials.

So, overall, I'm going to say I appreciate what living overseas has done for me.  Thank you Father from bringing me here and please help me keep growing.

I Think I Finally Know

So, I realized when talking to a friend about six months ago that I had no idea what my love language was.  Most of the reason is because I didn't really know how to accept love...I didn't think I was worthy of it...Well, I'm working on that issue in my life and I've been thinking a lot about what my love language might be.  I think I finally figured it out.
Physical Touch - I LOVE being hugged, holding hands, cuddling, a pat on the shoulder, a hand on the arm.  I love being touched.  It makes me feel loved.
Affirmation - So, I'm still slightly uncomfortable with words of affirmation, but I love hearing that I did a good job.  You don't have to overdue it...just tell me thank you or you appreciate me.  That's it.  That's all it takes and I feel LOVED!
So there you go.  I'm pretty sure this is how I feel loved.  Now, I just have to work on the not being uncomfortable being loved. 
By the way, I appreciate you guys.  I totally want to give you a hug too! :)

Friendship

This last week has been hard.  At the beginning of this week (really the end of last week) I felt like I was being crushed by my problems.  Every issue was so big and I was too weak to keep from being crushed.  My heart cried out to my father and he sent me FRIENDS! 
My friends have been so good to me this week.  Every person I have talked to about my problems has come to my aide and helped make the problem just a little easier to bear.  I have been blessed and blessed and blessed until I realized that I was no longer being crushed.  The problems are still there and they are still weighty, but many hands make light loads.  I thank you all so much for being my friends and for helping me through this time.  I will continue to lean on you until my problems are gone...and then maybe someday I can be there for you too.

Getting Settled in a New House

     I don't know if you have ever moved before (chances are you have), but I have moved more times than I really want to think about (ick).  In America when you are picking a new home, many thoughts may pop in your head when you walk into a house on the market.  Some of them may be "This place is SO clean!  Are there any stains in this place?  Did anyone actually live here before?  My kids could destroy this place in five minutes."  In America when a home goes on the market, a lot of time is spent cleaning the house and replacing things that we didn't bother to even replace when we lived there.  We want the house to "put its best foot forward" in hopes that people will buy/rent it.
     A slightly different view is taken here in China.  In fact, the opposite view.  Chinese homes give more of a feel of "Take me as I am." or "Please help me!  The last family tortured me!"  The floors are covered in dirt, the kitchen is greasy, people leave stuff behind, the furniture is often broken or stained...well, you get the idea. 
    So, needless to say, when I picked a new home to move into, a lot of work was put into it.  First, the school paid an ayi (a house helper) to do some initial deep cleaning.  Second, I moved in and had no time to clean even though I wanted to.  Third, my ayi spent time during the summer cleaning up even more.  Fourth, I get sick of the grime, stickers, etc. still left in random places and initiate my own cleaning spree.  It's such a nice feeling to watch my home come together a little more as I continue to find places for my things to live and as the house gets cleaner and cleaner (mostly due to my ayi's hard work).
    On a slightly different note (but still all about my new house) I am currently using my washing machine for the first time.  I have to be honest that I haven't tried before this point because I am or rather was terrified of my new washing machine.  Ok, so let me explain.  This washing machine came with the usual amount of trepidation because there is only Chinese characters on the machine.  Seeing as how my Chinese is still stunningly bad after 4 years, I honestly usually just push buttons until the water starts running and then call it good.  Well, this machine has two added points of confusion.  First, the water doesn't come from a handy washing machine hook-up in the wall.  The hose is actually screwed to the tub faucet in my bathroom (guess who has to use the shower head to fill the tub if she wants a bath...) and secondly, the drainage hose (which is usually normally somewhat hidden from view) has to cross the bathroom to fit into a drain in the floor (luckily they didn't also decide to use the bath drain as a washing machine drain (that could have been very bad...)  Honestly though, I'm not sure what the owner was thinking when they set this machine up, but today I decided to overcome my fear. 
     So, I shoved the hose in the drain in the floor (note to self: don't trip over that), switched my shower to come out of the faucet , turned the water on, turned the machine on (water was coming out!  yay!), put soap in the washing machine, filled it with clothes, closed the lid, and started to pray.  I kept anxiously popping into the bathroom for the next hour or however long it was to make sure nothing exploded or overflowed.  And I have to say that all went very well.  My clothes are now sitting on the drying rack in my living room (it's too humid for them to dry on the porch.  Did I mention that it's been 90-100% humidity almost every day during the summer?  My clothes get musty before they dry out there.) and I'm on my second load of laundry.  I feel so accomplished!  (And I'm choosing not to tell you about a few days ago when I incorrectly turned on my hot water heater and sprayed water all over the bathroom.  Who knew that button would do that?  Or am I the only one stupid enough to do that?  Ummm...definitely not mentioning that embarrassing mistake to anyone.)  Now the next big question is do I keep accomplishing things or do I reward myself with a nap?  Mmmm....super hard question.  I might have to continue to debate this while lying on my comfy couch.

A Summer of WOW!

I have no words…well, actually I have quite a few words…but I don’t have enough or the right kind of words to express how wonderful this summer has been.  I have been so blessed and spoiled by every person that I saw this summer.  I have never had so much fun in my life and I have never had such a full and active summer.  I’m headed home now for a much needed vacation from my vacation…oh wait.  School starts in a couple weeks…I guess I’ll just have to survive on exhausted.

         Ok, so before I tell you all the wonderful details of my trip, (well, at least enough details that you enjoy this post and not so many that you are bored) let me give you a few facts about my trip.

• My road trip was 44 days (6 weeks 2 days) long (if I include NM with my family, it was 55 days).
• I drove about 8,500 miles and it took about 140 hours to drive that far.
• I drove through 25 states and stopped in 14 of those states to see people.
• I saw at least 50 people I know on my trip.
• I went to several places I had never been to before, but the two highlights were Seattle and Washington DC.
• Washington and Oregon have the best roads to drive on...curvy mountain roads at 70mph.  Talk about a thrill ride. :)
• I only spent nine nights in hotels. 
• I slept on beds, floors, couches, cots, and air mattresses.
• I saw both the Pacific and Atlantic Ocean.
• I never made it swimming, I never burned (even though I have the darkest tan I’ve ever had), and I ate more fast food then I ever want to remember.
• McDonalds (for breakfast) and Chipotle were my two favorite restaurants to stop at when on the road.
• I made it back to China with two 50lb. bags and didn’t have to pay for either.

Ok, that’s enough random details.  Here come the highlights.  And if I visited you and you are reading this, THANK YOU!  You are the reason my summer was awesome.

• New Mexico with family – Well, spending time with family and mom keeping my calm through multiple panic attacks while trying to pack everything into two suitcases.
• Tucson with Mandie and Tim– A trip to the zoo :)
• Moreno Valley with Loraine and friends – Mission Inn, talking parrots, art museums, long lunches, and church
• Sacramento with Aunt Jeannette, Uncle David, Amanda, Clinton, and Jeremiah – Laughter, Panera, and amazing Italian food
• Seattle with me, myself, and I – Pike’s Place, King Tut Exhibit, and finally riding a dick bus
• Bellevue with the Herzog’s – Dinner with good friends
• Bozeman with Kari and Mike – Dinner with wonderful friends
• Minnesota and Iowa with Kelley and family – Stuffed burgers, old cars and ice cream, fireworks on the farm, and grandma’s cooking
• Baltimore with the Canner family – Brave, tours of Washington DC in 100F, and pickles ;)
• Sneads Ferry with the Doty’s – Catching up with old friends and drives on the beach
• Warner Robins with Ian – Dollar theater movie, homemade food, and Atlanta Aquarium
• Waleska with the Aldous’ – Stone Mountain, Spiderman, and a “Georgia worship” light show
• Maryville with the Moore’s – relaxation, wonderful 2 year-olds, birthday, zoo, attempted bowling, putt-putt, Pinterest, and wonderful friends for life
• Williamsburg with Tab – Dark Knight Rises, laughter with brothers, and touring a fire station
• Xenia with Terri – Hairspray and a wonderful friend
• Kettering with the Linden’s – Sleep deprivation, newborn babies, Cheesecake Factory, and baby whispering
• Denver with Kris – LAUGHTER!, Rick Springfield, gardens, and wonderful burgers
• Denver with Jon – Cheesecake Factory, great conversation, and watching the Olympics
• Phone with Anna - Good conversation with a wonderful friend!

Dear friends, I can’t tell you how loved I feel after this summer.  My heart is breaking to know that I have to leave you all here in America.  I can’t wait to see you again.  Thank you for making my summer so wonderful and memorable.  Thank you for asking questions about my life in China.  Come see me in China if you can.

The Hardest Part About Being In America

Everyone always gets so excited when I'm coming to America.  They are so excited that I am coming "home."  I tell people often that my home is in China.  I do love America though.  However, it is very hard for me to be here in America.  There are several things that are hard...culture shock (yes, I have culture shock in America) and being away from China are both very hard for me, but the hardest thing is that most people don't really know how to relate to me anymore.  

I live in a foreign country and it has changed me so much.  When I come to America that makes me and my life foreign and weird to people in America.  People don't really know what to do or say or ask about.  This is compounded by the fact that I really struggle talking about myself.  I love it when people ask questions.  (If you need some ideas for questions to ask, I've written a bunch at the bottom of the post...just to get you going.)  I know that if you haven't been to China it is hard to understand my life, my passion for it, and well anything about it.  However, PLEASE ask anyway.  It makes me feel loved when you want to know and when you listen to what I have to say.  Honestly, nothing hurts more than visiting with someone who  never or very rarely asks me what my life is like.  It feels like you don't care about me or my life...even though I know you don't intend it that way.

So, my wonderful America friends, please help me combat my homesickness by asking me about the place I love so much.  It will help me feel better and hopefully you'll understand a little bit of my love for China and my life there because of it.  And just so you know, I would LOVE to have some of you come visit me someday.  Thank you so much to those of you who already have.

Questions you can ask me about China...

Please don’t ask:

·      So how’s China?

·      So what’s China like?

o   I have NO idea how to answer these questions.  Can you be more specific?  And please listen and respond if you ask a question.  I really want you to understand and I really want to share my life with you.

Please try:

·      About China

o   What are the Chinese people like?

o   What is the coolest thing about living in China?

o   What is the hardest thing about living in China?

o   What is it like to go shopping?

o   What is it like to go grocery shopping?

o   How do you get around?

o   How do you pay your bills?

o   What kinds of fruits and vegetables do you eat in China that you didn’t eat in America?

o   Where do you live in China? How big is your city?

o   Do you like living on the coast?

o   What is the weather like?

o   Does your city have bad pollution?

·      About School

o   Tell me about your school?

o   What is your class/classroom like?

o   What are the people you work with like?

o   What is it like to work with TCK’s? (Or what is a TCK?)

o   What nationalities have you taught?

o   Do you teach in English?  What is the curriculum like?

o   What is the best thing that happened in the class this year?

o   What was the hardest thing that happened in your class this year?

o   What is your favorite subject to teach?

o   What is your least favorite subject to teach?

·      About travel

o   What places have you traveled to? 

o   What is your favorite place you have been?

o   Have you been to the Great Wall, Xi’an, etc.?

o   What is your favorite activity you did on a vacation since moving to China?

·      Learning Chinese

o   Can you say something in Chinese for me?

o   Is learning Chinese hard?

o   How often do you study Chinese?

o   Are you fluent?

o   Can you read Chinese characters?

·      About Living in China

o   How long do you plan to stay in China?

o   How do you know God wants you in China?

o   Is it hard to live in China?

o   Is home in America or China?

o   What do you miss about America?  What do you not miss about America?

o   What are you missing about China? What are you not missing about China?

o   What is wonderful about visiting America?  What is hard about visiting America?

o   What is the best thing that has happened to you since you moved to China?

o   What is the hardest thing that has happened to you since you moved to China?

o   What is your apartment like?  Do you have roommates?

o   Tell me about your friends?

o   What do you do for fun?

o   What is your favorite thing to eat?  Have you eaten anything weird?

o   Why do you want to keep living in China?

·      Keeping in touch

o   How can I pray for you? 

o   Can we stay in contact? 

o   Will you keep me updated on your life? 

On My Roommate

This time last year I had a horrible attitude about roommates.  I had just found out that I wasn't getting a single apartment and I was stuck with a new girl coming to teach high school English.  I even got mad at God because I wanted to be alone so much.  What didn't expect to get was the world's best roommate.  At least, the best roommate I have ever had.
It didn't take long after she got here to get over my bad attitude.  She was just so sweet, kind, helpful, and easy to live with.  As the months went by we developed a deeper and deeper friendship and I became increasingly more thankful for her.  I began to anticipate living together for many, many years.
But God changed my plans.  In March we found out that she would not be coming back to our school next year, but would instead be moving to another city in China because of visa problems.  I have never been so sad to lose a roommate.  I was losing not only a roommate, but a sister and friend.
Tonight is our last night as roommate and I will miss her so much.  I have my own apartment now, but I wish we could go back to our apartment and live there for a few more years.  However, all God's plans work together for good and I'm sure I'll see the good in this some day.
So, to the best roommate ever:
Thank you for...
-Laughter
-Friendship
-Making food with me
-Having friends over
-Eating my food
-Being a sister I never fought with
-Washing dishes together
-Grading together
-Watching movies together
 -Being my diving buddy
-Long talks
-Huge parties
-Taking care of me
-Letting me take care of you
-Listening to me rant
-Trips to the grocery store
-Taxi rides
-Spending time with me when you needed to do stuff for school
-So much, much more.
My dear friend.  I will miss you so very much.  I can't wait to see you again.  Thank you for being such a wonderful roommate, sister, and friend.

On Saying Goodbye

As I have written blogs this year, I have said more than once that one of the things I love about working here is that I have been adopted into a fantastic family.  I have never felt so loved in my life as I do here in this place with these people.  But, the bad thing about my fantastic family is that it is always in flux.  The last few weeks I have been grieving.  I have been grieving because I am losing some very close "family members".  I am losing wonderful friends.  I am losing great students.
Saying goodbye in the international community isn't like saying goodbye in America.  In America there is the knowledge that you can probably visit your friend fairly easily.  In the international community, goodbye often means forever.  Every year I cry for the students that have touched my life and made it better.  Every year I cry for the friends returning to their home countries or on to another city or country.  Chances are I will never see most of these people again on this earth.  That knowledge hurts more than I can tell you.  It breaks my heart every year and for a split second I want to leave, to escape the pain....but then I think about the pain that would be involved in leaving.  That pain would be a hundred fold.  I have no idea how I will ever be able to say goodbye to this place, these people, and this job.  I love it so much and it will honestly take an act from the Father to get me out of here. 
So, thank you my friends for giving me a place where I feel like a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, and more.  Thank you for giving me a place and people I can't stand the thought of leaving.  Thank you for being there to support me through all things.  Thank you for all you do.  I would not be who I am without your love. 
And to my dear friends who are leaving, you have changed my life for the better.  I will never be the same because of you.  I will miss you so much and I look forward to seeing you again...even if it isn't until Heaven.  I love you!

On Moving...Again...

I'm convinced that I am cursed.  No one should move as much as I have.  Today I moved for the 5th time since I moved to China four years ago....which brings me up to a total of 17 moves in my almost 26 years of life...all but 3 of those moves being in the last 8 years.  I don't know about you, but that just seems like a ridiculous amount to me. 
Looking back over the last year I'm still reeling from this move.  I am reeling because this year I got exactly what I wanted.  I had the best roommate I have ever had, I lived in the nicest apartment I have ever had, I had the best upstairs neighbors I have ever had, and I completed this whole move in a week and a half after finding a new place.  I'm reeling because I'm, in a way, losing all of those things.  I am losing my roommate to Tianjin, I am in a new apartment, my fabulous neighbors are suddenly farther away, and my swift move left me rather emotionally unstable.  However, there are a lot of reasons this move is also good.  I'll be able to see my fabulous roommate because she'll still be in China, I LOVE my new apartment that is all mine, my fabulous neighbors are still only about 3 minutes away, and did I mention that I get to live in this apartment alone?  I have also gained another fabulous new neighbor who I can't wait to spend more time with.
Ok, so for China move number 5 highs and lows before I fall asleep.  High, seven of my amazing friends helped me to pack my entire house in a 4 hour time period last night.  Low, a crucial part of my favorite chair was lost during the move...how to replace that piece?  High, watching my dining table be lowered through our kitchen window successfully because it wouldn't fit through the door.  Low, I only slept a few hours last night so I can't do anything correctly currently.  High and low, Chinese acrobatic moving is amazing to watch, but it also really stresses me out...especially after the piano fell on that one guy 2 moves ago and when all my veggie oil spilled on the floor on the last move when I had no idea where any cleaning supplies were.  High, the colors I picked for my new walls are PERFECT!  I love them.  Low, my house is still a total mess after unpacking for multiple hours.  High, my wonderful friends have been helping take care of me!  One brought me lunch, one keeps dropping by to see how I'm doing, one is coming by tomorrow to do all the tall person stuff, one kept all my food in their fridge for two days, one is helping me unpack everything, one called to see how I was doing, one translated for me when I had issues speaking to the movers, and everyone asked how things were going and how I was doing.  Even if this move had been completely horrible, I would still have felt loved because of my friends.  Thank you all so much for being there for me and not leaving me alone.  I love you all so much!

Apartments, Frienships, MRI's and Driving School

Today was one of those days.  Not "Oh, this day is so horrible!  Can I go back to bed?"  And not "I'm so happy I could skip for joy."  It was a weird mixture of up and down. 
First we embraced the down side.  I got a call this morning saying that the apartment that I had fallen in love with and was hoping to live in next year was not going to happen.  Major down.  I was so sad.  That place was so me.  Oh, well...move on.
The next was a weird combo of up and down.  I left school at noon to go get an MRI.  (Yes, that's right...my bum ankle is still not healed after 8 weeks and the doctor is worried.)  Obvious downer...that and it was my first MRI, so I was nervous...a little farther down....and then I had to lay still on a hard mat on my side without moving at all for 40 minutes...My poor right side and knee were very unhappy when I was finally allowed up.  Deep, deep, down down.  Not fun.
The up side was that my wonderful friend, Mimi, agreed to go with me for the MRI despite being super busy already.  Mimi is a wonderful friend and we had such a great talk before my MRI.  I'm so glad she was there.  She put a bright spot of happiness in the middle of...well....go back and read the previous paragraph if needed.  Another happy thing was that the MRI was not scary at all.  Just loud, boring, and uncomfortable.  Doctors have definitely thought up worse forms of torture then laying still for 40 minutes.  (As a side note, doesn't it bug you how you have no itches/no need to pee until you are told you can't move?  Seriously, what is this?  Reverse psychology?)
The best "up" of the day was when I was walking home from the bus stop after the MRI (I know, I know...taking the bus and walking after an MRI on my bad ankle?!  What was I thinking?!  I did it anyway.)  I was walking up the street towards my home when I saw it.  A Chinese fire drill!  A real Chinese fire drill with real Chinese people! (In case you don't know, a Chinese fire drill is when a car full of people comes to a stop light and everyone changes seats.  The goal is to be back in your new seat and ready to go before the light changes. *No mom, I never played this game.  Scouts honor.*) 
Ok, so back to the story.  I was walking down the road and this yellow car with black writing drove by going really slow.  No biggie.  People drive slow here all the time.  Then I got a little father up.  Here was the same kind of car with different people.  It was stopped on the side of the road and everyone was quickly changing seats.  Huh?  The car then proceeded slowing down the road.  And I mean slow.  I'm pretty sure I was gimping faster.  Totally weird, but ok.  Then a third yellow car comes around the corner.  I look behind me and the other car is still there.  This really is a third car.  They stop in the same place and do the Chinese fire drill with slightly more confusion then the last group. 
At this point my brain is trying to understand.  Why do we have three yellow cars driving super slow in the same area and playing Chinese fire drill?  Then it hits me.  It's Chinese driver's ed.  I laughed the rest of the way home.
Luckily the evening went up from there as I got to spend time in good conversation with good friends.  I really like it when iron sharpens iron and I'm grateful for the friends who are willing to do that to me...even when I didn't think I wanted it.
So, odd day.  Funny at times and bad at others.  I'm glad it ended on a good note.  And I finally got to see a Chinese fire drill.  It is officially time for bed! :)

On Being Temporarily Crippled

It has been seven weeks.  Seven weeks ago I was walking to fellowship with my roommate.  We were talking and I didn't see the loose brick in the sidewalk.  Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with what I knew was a sprained ankle.  Despite my inherent clumsiness, I have never really sprained my ankle.  So, not knowing what was ahead of me, I decided to suck it up because I was sure I would be better in a week...two tops.
One week went by.  Ouch, but I can do this.  Two weeks went by.  I tried so hard not to let the pain rule my life.  Three weeks went by.  I dragged my brother all over Qingdao and was exhausted at the end.  Four weeks went by.  I started to get discouraged.  Five weeks went by.  I was discouraged and worried and lonely.  Six weeks went by.  I finally went to see the doctor.  He told me to keep resting.  I finally started asking people for help.  Here we are at seven weeks.  I can sometimes walk without crutches but only for short distances.  I'm starting to leave my house again.  And I feel much better emotionally...because I asked for help.
I have no idea why, but I have always had a hard time asking for help.  I try to take care of everything on my own...When I finally humbled myself enough to ask for help, I found people ready and willing to help me.  I wish I had asked for help the first few days.  This would have been so much easier. 
So, to answer the question that all my closest friends love to ask.  What has Dad been teaching me through this?  He has been teaching me humility, patience, endurance, strength, peace, contentment, friendship, and so much more.  So, can I say that if I had to do this all over again would I?  Ummm...no.  But I'm glad Dad was working in it all the same.  And I'm going to keep asking Him to strengthen my leg so I really truly can have my life back again.  I miss being able to walk a couple miles with no problems.  And dear, dear friends...THANK YOU!  Thank you so much for all you have done to care for me during the last seven weeks.  I would not have been able to do it without you.
PS - Try not to use crutches in China.  You have to walk too much, there are tons of stairs, and no one caters to you.  And I had three people dash in front of me yesterday when I was out and almost take both of us down.  Ick.

Reflections on Easter

It's Easter.  I love this time of year.  The deeper I grow in my walk with the Father, the more I love this holiday.  It truly amazes me.  He gave up everything to come to earth and save us.  It gives me shivers and brings tears to my eyes each time I think about it.  I simply cannot understand that love.  Why would he chose to love me when I have done nothing to deserve or earn it?  But that is the true beauty of his love.  There is nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, I can do to make him love me less or make him love me more.  He is constant, merciful, and loving when I can offer nothing in return.  How could one even consider turning their back on a love like that?
I am surely not the strongest of the saints.  I fail all the time.  My sins outweigh my virtues.  Yet, each day he chooses to use me and grow me.  It simply amazes me.  My heart feels as though it could burst for the love that is inside it.  I am his and he is mine.  I will follow him gladly wherever he leads me and where every he calls me.
 And, Father, tomorrow, when these words don't ring as strongly in my heart because once again my own selfishness has come between us, please, remind me again.   Remind me of this love so strong that I would give up anything.  And when temptations come and I stumble again, remind me that you have paid for those sins and that I belong to you.  And when fear strikes me heart remind me that I am yours and nothing can separate me from your love. 
I am yours!  I am your child!  Your daughter!  The one you gave up everything for!  The one you offer everything to!  The one you will never leave!  The one you will forever love!

How He Loves Us (my current favorite song)
He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

My Wonderful Community

I am so blessed.  I live in the most amazing community in the world! (Ok, I might be a little biased, but they are still awesome!)  I have never lived in such a close community and I don't think I'll ever find another like it when I chose to leave China (which thankfully is nowhere on the horizon that I can see).  Since I know most of you don't live in this amazing community, I would love to tell you about it. :)

• Imagine a community where you have the opportunity to be friends with everyone...even your superiors.  I am good friends with my elementary principal and head principal.  Not many places you can do that.
• Imagine a community where you are completely taken care of.  I sprained my ankle a week ago and people have not stopped helping me and loving on my since then.
• Imagine a community where you are constantly supported and encouraged.
• Imagine a community where there is always the potential to be friends with those around you and where you are greeted with open arms when you move here.
• Imagine a community that mourns together.  1 year ago we lost Tim Herzog.  I was completely amazed when our community pulled together and got closer through it.  I've heard that grief often tears people apart.  Our grief pulled us together.
• Imagine a community where you hang out with multiple nationalities.  It's so much fun to talk to friends and hear about what life is like in their country.
• Imagine a community where you can laugh over making fools of yourselves while trying to speak another language.
• Imagine a community where you live next door to a bunch of your friends.
• Imagine a community where you are cared for...

There are so many other wonderful things I could tell you about my community.  I love them and I can't imagine living without them.  Thank you friends for the daily support and encouragement that you offer me.  

Lessons

Have you ever noticed that God's lessons aren't easy?  They say that the best things in life are never easy.  I completely agree with that statement and yet at the same time I really wish it just wasn't true. 
God's lessons for me right now...
"Beloved, you can't always have things planned and under control.  And you usually won't have all the answers.  Oh, and Beloved, it's ok to cry.  It's ok to hurt.  I've got my arms wrapped around you and I promise I know what's going on.  No need to worry.  It will all work out for my glory even if it makes absolutely no sense to you.  And last thing, Beloved One, I love you.  Don't ever forget that."
Thank you God for the reminder.  I will rest in your arms, cry out my worries and my sorrows to you, and trust in you.