My Personality

I have taken many personality tests over the years and my favorite has been the Myer-Briggs.  According to that test, I am an ISFJ.  Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging.  If you are curious about what I am truly like, the below copied profile from personalitypage.com gets me pretty spot on.  

The Nurturer

"As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

"ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

"ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

"ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

"ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

"More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

"The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

"The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others."

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

10 Things I Love
10 - Reading
9 - Cooking
8 - Loving on others
7 - Teaching
6 - Children
5 - Cold Weather
4 - A good movie that makes me think for days
3 - Seeing my breath on a cold day
2 - Crunchy leaves
1 - My Abba

9 Reasons I Love Living in Qingdao
9 - Chinese people
8 - Getting to travel to "exotic" locations for vacations
7 - Learning another language
6 - A constant supply of fresh fruit
5 - The ocean
4 - The mountains
3 - My school
2 - The amazing international community
1 - It's where I belong during this point in time

8 Favorite Websites
8 - Facebook
7 - My email
6 - Blogger
5 - YouTube
4 - Bible Gateway
3 - Wikipedia
2 - Fast Pass TV
1 - Google

7 Favorite Ways to Spend Time Alone
7 - Watching a movie
6 - Reading a book
5 - Going for a walk
4 - Praying
3 - Late night grocery shopping (I really miss 24hr Walmarts)
2 - Doing Laundry
1 - Driving

6 Things that Drive Me Nuts
6 - People who talk incessantly
5 - People who can't spell/choose not to spell things right
4 - Repetitive Noises and Whistling
3 - Meetings
2 - Whiners
1 - Messes

5 Things I Love About My Job
5 - The kids
4 - Teaching a child something they didn't know before
3 - Seeing the light of understanding in a kid's eyes
2 - Have an excuse to be ridiculous whenever I want and no one judging me for it
1 - The people I work with are AMAZING!

4 Favorite Songs
4 - Captivated by Shawn McDonald
3 - Take Me Into the Beautiful by Cloverton
2 - If I Die Young by Band Perry
1 - Time by Hans Zimmer

3 Things I Most Thankful For
3 - My Abba
2 - My friends/family
1 - My job

2 Favorite Holidays
2 - Christmas
1 - Thanksgiving

1 Thing I Can't Live Without
1 - My Abba

Whispers of Love

The last two weeks have been a series of strange contradictions. 
On one had, I feel defeated and crushed...The enemy is fighting what Abba is doing in my life like he has never fought anything before.  I am not sleeping, I am having nightmares, I am constantly fighting bad moods, I've been dealing with unexplainable pain.  I'm a mess.
On the other hand (which thankful trumps all the bad) I have seen Abba do so many amazing things the last two weeks.  This has happened in many ways. 
I've found that part of my healing is telling others what I'm going through...and blogging about it.  This goes against my nature as an extremely private person, but I have been blessed because of it.  It seems that almost every time I tell someone, Abba blesses me.  It might be through the words of the person I am talking to.  I have heard him speak through others so many times the last two weeks and I know it is him because it's exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.  It might be in a hug or some other touch.  I had forgotten how much I love being hugged/touched...when did I bury that need?  Other people have been essential to what is happening in my heart. 
The other way Abba has been doing amazing things is through books.  You all know that I am an avid reader.  I'm not happy unless there is reading material within reach.  It seems that Abba keeps using the words in his book as well as the words of others in their books to remind me of his love for me.  Over and over he keeps telling me how precious I am to him, how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me, how he wants me to desire him and rely on him.  And I have to tell you, he is wooing me in a way I have never experienced before.  I am falling head over heals for my Abba.  He is leading me through this pain so that he can spend the rest of eternity showing me how much he loves me.  How can I not be falling in love?  I find myself constantly seeking to love and security of my Abba's arms. 
Now, you may be asking yourself, what does this have to do with forgiving her father?  The answer is so very much.  I am being taught what love is by the one who created it.  By the one who is love.  He is melting my heart with love so that I can be set free by that love and so that I can someday, somehow turn that back around and share it with my father.  How am I going to do that?  I have no idea.  I'll let you know when he tells me...but I'm pretty sure it is going to hurt, but I am quickly discovering that freedom and love are worth it.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of his Son. - Phil. 1:6

One Step at a Time...

This week has been one of the hardest and one of the best weeks of my life.  Last Sunday (but really it began a very long time before then), my true Daddy told me that now was the time to deal with my feelings about my earthly father (who I will refer to as Michael from here on out to avoid confusion).  You see, Michael is a  verbally abusive alcoholic.  After growing up with him and interacting with him for all of my 25 years, his behavior and words have told me over and over that I am worthless, unlovable, and a waste of space.  In my head, I know these are lies, but my heart believes them.  My heart believes I am fatally flawed and NO ONE (not even my true Daddy) can love me because of it. 
This Sunday, I heard Daddy speak words to me from the mouths of others.  I heard Him whisper to my heart and say you are loved, but you will never believe that until you confront your feelings about Michael.  On Sunday, I was held and comforted by some of my closest friends and I poured 25 years of hurt at their feet.  I cried more in one day than I have cried in the last year ( I HATE crying).  At the end of the day, I felt exhuasted, but I also felt the first stirrings of freedom in my heart. 
I've been waking up each morning asking my Daddy what the next step is.  Sometimes the step is easy and sometimes it is hard.  You see, forgiving Michael and trashing the lies in my heart will not happen overnight, next week, or probably anytime soon, but every day Daddy brings me a little closer to the freedom only He can offer.  The realization that He loved me so much that He gave His life for me.  Nothing will ever change that no matter what I do or what lie I believe.  HE LOVES ME!
So every morning, I wake up and tell myself He loves me and I have friends that love me.  Then I try to think of some of the friends who have shown over and over that they love me.  I remind myself that I am His creation and no one can take my value away.  I remind myself that nothing NOTHING can separate me from His love.  And so far, I believe it 60% of the time...which is much better than the 20% of last week.
So dear friends, I am waging the battle of my life.  I am feel like I'm succeeding now, but doubt sometimes overcomes me again.  So, I need your help.  I can't fight this battle alone.  I have Daddy close to my side and His Words close as well.  But I need you too.  I need your hugs...your words of encouragement...I need you to ask how I'm doing and make sure I really tell you.  There is no way I'll be able to believe I am lovable if I don't have my friends help guide me through this.
I love you and I need you.

Words from Him

Over the last three days I have had Dad speak to me very clearly through the words in His book and through friends.  Here's what His book reminded me of last night...
The whole chapter spoke to my heart, but I put my favorite parts in bold.

 I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
   my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
   my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
   and I am saved from my enemies.
The cords of death encompassed me;
  the torrents of destruction assailed me;
the cords of Sheol entangled me;
   the snares of death confronted me.
  In my distress I called upon the LORD;
   to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
   and my cry to him reached his ears.
 Then the earth reeled and rocked;
   the foundations also of the mountains trembled
   and quaked, because he was angry.
Smoke went up from his nostrils,
   and devouring fire from his mouth;
   glowing coals flamed forth from him.
He bowed the heavens and came down;
    thick darkness was under his feet.
He rode on a cherub and flew;
   he came swiftly on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him,
   thick clouds dark with water.
Out of the brightness before him
   hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds.
 The LORD also thundered in the heavens,
   and the Most High uttered his voice,
   hailstones and coals of fire.
And he sent out his arrows and scattered them;
   he flashed forth lightnings and routed them.
Then the channels of the sea were seen,
   and the foundations of the world were laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
   at the blast of the breath of your nostrils.
 He sent from on high, he took me;
   he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
   and from those who hated me,
   for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
   but the LORD was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
   he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
Psalm 18:1-19

I promise I will write more later, but this week has been insane.  I can't wait to tell you what He has been doing.  Until then, please be "thinking" for me.

My first step...

Today I took my first step.  My first step to freedom from a monster that has fed me lies I have believed my whole life.  Today I took steps closer to a Father who will NEVER leave me no matter what I do.  Today I dove deeper into friendships.  Today I began the day terrified of my upcoming journey to freedom and ended the day scared, but excited.  Today I fell a little more in love with my Father.  Today I heard His words come from many mouths...words that brought me to my knees and brought tears to my eyes.  Today I surrendered control and fear.
Tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will continue on my journey.  Tomorrow I will face the same lies and the same fear.  But tomorrow I will know that many walk with my on my journey to freedom.  Tomorrow I will know that I don't even have to walk...I just have to let my Father carry me.  Tomorrow I will explain what this post means.
Tonight, I'm going to crawl into my bed and sleep with the arms of my Father wrapped around me knowing that nothing that is coming is bigger than Him.  Tonight I'm going to remind myself, before the blanket of sleep wraps itself around me, that my Father loves me...NO MATTER WHAT I DO.  Tonight I'm going to go to sleep thinking about a letter that a friend read in fellowship today that gave me the courage to start this journey.  Tonight I'm going to share that letter with you too.

" Golgotha

7/April/30

My Precious Child,

I know you. I knew you before I laid the foundations of the earth. Before I set the sun and moon in place, I saw your unformed body.  I took great delight in creating you in the secret place – and I loved you ….so much.

My precious child. I know you.  Even now, I see how you struggle. Your loneliness so often overwhelms you. It overwhelms me… now. I felt your pain as you screamed in frustration into your pillow.  I was there -when in darkness you cried and cried. The dark thoughts which flood your mind whispering lies– even now surround me - filling my mind.

My precious child. I know you. I know that secret place in your heart. Nothing is hidden from me. I know your sin. All the doubts, the anger, the bitterness and jealousy…I know. Yes, my child even the lust…I know all about it…. sexual immorality, dishonesty, unfaithfulness. Even now they relentlessly attack me. Cutting deep into my flesh

My precious child, I know you.  I see you right now – on the 4^th of September 2011, 1981 years from this day. I love you so much – right now – that I choose to hang here, soon to die. I could call a legion of angels to come rescue me, but I choose to stay….for you.

Today as you hear my voice, don’t harden your heart. What is happening here, right now - changes everything! Look at me! I know you. I…..forgive you….completely.

Never forget,

Love,

Jesus" 

Amendment

I would like to make an amendment to my previous post.  I thought of something else you should know about me.
I adore my mother.  I am exactly like her in almost every way...something I am very proud of.  She has given me the courage to do things like move to China and try new things.  She's made me believe anything is possible and I really do matter.  Where would I be without my wonderful mom?
PS - I really really like my little sister too! :)  She's a lot of fun to hang out with and two more different people never existed.  I kinda like that about us.

30 Things You Should Know About Me

Warning: This post is full of things that I think you should know about me.  The last couple are very personal.  I am comfortable sharing them with you, but I don’t know if you are comfortable hearing them…yet.  For that reason, I put the less personal things at the top and the most personal things at the bottom.  If you read something that makes you uncomfortable, stop.  It’s only going to get more personal from there.

1.     I’m an introvert who loves people.  I love to be with people.  Before college I was extremely shy and hardly ever spoke to anyone.  I met friends in college who taught me how to love people and I’ve swung to the other side.  I like to talk to people a lot now, but I often burn myself out.  I may hang out with you every day one week and not at all the next.  Nothing personal.  Just catching my “introverted” breath.

2.     I love being alone.  I am very happy with my own company.

3.     I love to listen.  I would rather listen than talk any day.  Sometimes I’ll go a whole conversation without saying anything.  It doesn’t mean I’m bored, it just means I’m listening and thinking.

4.     I’m a thinker.  I never do anything without thinking it through thoroughly first.  I’ll usually mull things over for days, weeks, or sometimes longer before I am willing to talk about them, confront them, or do them.

5.     I’m a gold.  Since I started working in China our school has taken this personality test called “True Colors” a few times.  My true color is gold.  That means that I’m very organized.  I usually have a plan and I’m the person you can count on to get something done.  I dislike nothing more than someone who doesn’t “have all their ducks in a row” especially when I’m working with or for them.

6.     I love adventure, but I have a weird definition of adventure.  Adventure in my book is not going on a hike, exploring an exotic place, or getting lost in a foreign city.  Adventure is anything that takes me out of my comfort zone.  Adventure can be speaking in Chinese to someone on the phone.  Adventure can be throwing my day’s lesson plans out the window and doing something different.  Adventure can be singing in front of people.

7.     I’m extremely easy to please.  If I tell you I don’t care or it doesn’t matter I’m not trying to be a pain in your butt.  I promise if I have an opinion I will let you know, but usually I’m most happy observing how things unfold.  Usually, I don’t want to know the outcome of something before it happens.

8.     My favorite thing in the world to do is read.  I have loved reading since the 3^rd grade and I’m not happy unless there is a book somewhere nearby.  I ALWAYS have a book in my purse…no matter where I’m going or what I’m doing.  I really struggle leaving my book at home when I’m just walking over to a friend’s house to hang out.

9.     I love a good science fiction or fantasy book or film.  Yes, I’m a bit of a nerd and proud of it.

10. I’m a massive klutz.  There isn’t really any hope for me.  I can trip or fall over anything…but most often it’s cracks in the sidewalk or my own feet. Luckily, I catch myself about 95% of the time so I’m only covered in bruises, scrapes, etc. a small portion of the time.

11. I always feel hot.  I have tried twice to wear a winter coat, but it didn’t last  long either time…maybe about 5 minutes.  I’ve been in -17F weather before and I still couldn’t bring myself to put on a winter coat.  I would rather be cold than hot any day.  Some of my friends have nicknamed me “The Human Radiator” and one of my girlfriends likes to “snuggle” with me as we walk down the street in winter because she is cold.  By the end of those experiences she has usually stopped shivering and I’ve either unbuttoned/unzipped my light coat or taken it off entirely.

12. I can sing pretty well.  I have been told many times that I have a beautiful voice, but chances are that you will never hear me sing.  I’m too shy to do it in front of people.  I sing when I’m alone, to my class, and in church.  So unless you catch me singing with I think I’m alone (has happened), are one of my students (had about 40 of those so far, but never over the age of 9), or stand next to me in church (that’s your best chance), you will probably never hear me sing.

13. I hate surprises.  Especially surprise parties.  If you want to throw me a surprise party, tell me you are planning a party, but I can’t know the details.  I’m fine with that, but I don’t like being caught off guard.  I like to know about things in advance and plan for them.

14. I’m usually happy and if I’m not happy I’m usually content.  If I don’t feel content or happy I do my best to change a situation so that I do feel happy and content.

15. I very rarely get mad.  Oh, I get frustrated fairly often (being a teacher will do that to you), but I don’t usually get mad.  And if you get me mad, I don’t yell.  I get stubborn, pig-headed, and silent, but I don’t yell. 

16. I love to cook.  If I don’t like something the first time I make it or I don’t like the process, I won’t make it again.  Cooking is a huge de-stressor for me.

17. If I wasn’t a teacher I would like to be an editor.  I love reading people’s papers, books, documents and editing them.  Incorrect spelling drives me crazy and if I don’t know how to spell a word I won’t use it.  It especially drives my nuts when people spell words wrong in emails and letters. 

18. I love music. I listen to almost every kind of music, but what I’m listening to usually reflects my mood.  For example: Pop and/or Christian music means I’m in a good/content mood.  Soundtracks or other music without words means I need time alone (unless someone is over, then it is probably just background music).  Heavy metal means I’m mad.  Watch out!  Music like Evanescence means I’m depressed.  Etc.  Luckily I don’t listen to heavy metal or Evanescence very often.

19. I adore my brother.  My brother and I have been best friends since before I can remember.  I see his flaws, but I have met few people I respect and adore as much as him.  If I tell you that you remind me of my brother, it’s probably the highest compliment I could pay you.

20. I drink alcohol.  I don’t drink very often, but occasionally I’ll have a drink.  I like the way cocktails taste.  I have made a vow never to drink more than two or three drinks.  I hate being drunk and my father is an alcoholic.  I don’t want to get caught in that trap. Just thought you should know.

21. I’m not very romantic.  In fact, I refuse to read romance novels and a chick flick better be pretty good for me to like it.  I can’t honestly say if I like a guy being romantic….I’ve never really dated a guy who is romantic.

22. I hate talking on the phone.  I would rather text any day, but I’ll call you if I need an immediate answer or explaining what I want/need in a text is just too difficult.

23. I don’t cry.  If I’m crying then either someone has died or my world is falling apart.  If you ever see me cry, it means I am extremely comfortable with you or I’m at a point where I just can’t control my emotions any more.

24. My dream job is wife and mother.  Since I was eleven years old I have been dreaming about what it would be like to by married and have a family.  I believe that God will some day allow me to have that dream, but He hasn’t brought that guy yet.  And I don’t plan to sit around and being sad about it.  I would rather follow Him on an adventure any day.

25.  I have done from crazy things (at least by my standard) at the prompting of the Father.  If He asked me today, I would leave all I love behind and follow Him to the ends of the Earth…again.  I’ve come to the conclusion that He really is all I need.  I have a tattoo of a dandelion on my left shoulder (my favorite flower) and the words “Beloved One” next to the stem of the flower to remind me that God is taking care of me every moment of every day.  Matthew 6:25-34

26.  I don’t know how to flirt.  Guys don’t worry.  If I’m treating you really super nice it’s because I like being your friend.  If I start acting like a spastic idiot I probably want to be more than your friend.  Thank God there aren’t many guys in China cause looking like a spastic idiot doesn’t need to be a full time occupation.

27. I can be kind of dense.  I don’t pick up on “subtle hints” very well.  I can usually pick up on emotions, but I think a guy flirting with me is just a guy being nice or a friend trying to hint for me to leave…I completely miss it.  It’s usually best to just tell me what is going on.  I like people who are blunt.

28.   My love language is well…I’m not sure.  I think my love language is service.  If I’m serving you, it is my way of showing my love for you.  And honestly, I try to serve everyone I know…especially children.  I really want to be known for my love.  I think I accept love through quality time with people and physical touch, but I’m really specific about how people touch me.

29. I don’t know how to accept love.  I’m learning how to accept love (it’s a long and painful process…read the next thing for more info), but I’m really bad at it.  Please just be patient with me.  Again, usually the best way to show me your love is telling me outright that you love me, by wanting to be with me, or the occasional hug.

30. I’m broken.  My father is a verbally abusive alcoholic...but saying that doesn’t even begin to explain how bad living with his was.  Because of things he did and said when I was growing up and things he says and does even now, I am completely broken.  I struggle with low self-confidence.  I don’t know how to let others love me.  I have a wall around my broken heart a mile thick…I can’t bear for anyone to break my heart any more.  If/When God brings me a husband, he will have to be a very patient man.  My heart screams at me to back out of any kind of relationship before I get hurt.  So, dear friends, if I ever start running away…please pursue me.  Let me know you love me, value me, and want me around.  That’s the greatest way you can show me your love.  And you might have to do it a lot.  God does it every single day and I still struggle to believe Him…and I don’t know how I could make it through a day without Him. (If you want to know more on this topic please ask.  Chances are I will probably talk about it.  I realized lately that I don’t have to be ashamed of it.  Why do kids of abusive parent’s think it’s their fault?  This is something I desperately need to talk about, but don’t know how to bring up.  Talk about a real conversation stopper.)